When Money Is the Elephant in the Room: How to Start the Hard Conversation
A Memory That Stuck With Me
I remember, as a child, living through the collapse of the Soviet Union. I recall the stacks of old ruble banknotes crumpled like discarded confetti, once full of meaning, now worthless overnight. The imagery on them felt irrelevant: the faces, the symbols, the proud slogans,m. A currency that once said this is what matters here suddenly said nothing at all. New leadership. New money. New meaning. The collapse of a system left money unmoored from its context, and I carry that memory with me.
That experience taught me something about how fragile our sense of security can be. When the systems we rely on shift, what once felt stable can suddenly feel uncertain. It’s not just about economics, it’s about meaning, belonging, and trust. And in relationships, the same thing happens on a smaller scale. When money becomes disconnected from shared meaning, even the strongest partnership can start to wobble.
Money Stress in Alberta: A Shared Reality
Fast forward to today - 2025, Calgary, Alberta, where on the surface things may feel stable, but underneath, many couples are grappling with money in ways that feel confusing, shame-laden, whispered, or avoided.
According to the latest MNP Ltd. Consumer Debt Index, 47% of Albertans report being only CAD $200 or less away from financial insolvency each month.
On top of this, 41% of Albertans say they feel anxious or stressed about their financial situation—the highest rate of any province in Canada.
And in Calgary, the average consumer debt hovers around CAD $24,000, excluding mortgages.
For many couples, those numbers hit even harder when one partner has stepped out of the workforce to raise children or manage the household. Research from Statistics Canada shows that women who take time away from paid employment to care for young children face long-term financial vulnerability, earning on average 30–40% less than peers who remain employed. That gap can leave stay-at-home or part-time parents, most often mothers, feeling both dependent and exposed.
This layer of financial imbalance quietly shapes how partners talk about money, power, and security. It often goes unnamed, yet it colors every financial decision, every budget conversation, every unspoken tension about “who provides” and “who decides.”
Why Money Feels So Heavy
Hard topics like sex, death, politics, they carry weight because they point to what we’re afraid to say out loud. Money is in that same category. It touches power, identity, worth, trust.
When couples sit down and talk about money, what are they really talking about? Beyond the spreadsheet lies the real conversation:
• Who makes decisions in our life together?
• Will you have my back if things go sideways?
• Am I enough?
• Do you see how much I contribute?
• Are we going to be ok?
These questions swirl beneath the surface when money enters the relationship. And because they’re so charged, the literal money talk often gets filtered through avoidance, resentment, or silence.
What Each of You Bring
Before even discussing numbers, begin by acknowledging what each person brings to this conversation, emotionally, historically, and practically.
• Bring your story: What did money mean in your family of origin?
• Bring your feelings: What do you feel when you think about your finances, empowered? insecure? invisible?
• Bring your contribution: What practical things do you already do (or wish you did) for the household, financially and emotionally?
This opening softens the terrain, it says: “I’m not just a line item in your budget. I’m a whole person. I bring my past, my hopes, my fears.”
Money as a Placeholder
Think of money as a stand-in for things deeper: values, fears, memory, hope. The following are themes to explore, they help open the space.
Values money can represent:
Freedom | Power | Care | Responsibility | Stability | Creativity
Fears money can carry:
Insecurity | Loneliness | Shame | Suffering | Being invisible | Losing control
When you discuss money together, you’re really asking: What do we want our money to say about us? About us together?
By focusing on those underlying values and fears, the conversation shifts from “How much do we spend?” to “What are we creating—and what are we protecting?”
What Do We Want to Create Together?
Once you’ve acknowledged the unspoken layer, you can begin to ask: What kind of relationship do we want with money as a couple?
Here’s a guided check-in you can use when you sit down:
1. How do we show care and attention?
• Does our budget reflect what matters?
• Are we honouring each other’s efforts, large and small?
2. What values come through in how we manage money?
• Do we want to send a message of security? generosity? adventure?
• Are we budgeting for what we value, or just what we fear?
3. What does money represent to each of us individually?
• For you: freedom? safety? a back-up plan?
• For me: stability? ability to give? independence?
• What emotions surface when you feel you don’t have enough?
4. What fears come up when we talk about money?
• What if we lose our income?
• What if one of us feels we contribute more than the other?
• What if we never save enough or what if we save so much we forget to live?
5. What did our families of origin believe about money?
• Was money safe, or was it chaotic?
• Did one parent make all the decisions or none at all?
• What implicit messages did we absorb: “Money is hard,” “Money means love,” “Money equals power,” or “Talking about money is rude”
Answering these questions doesn’t mean you’ll solve everything in one sitting but it opens a new kind of clarity. It gives you a shared language that goes beyond “how much are we spending this month?” It allows you to feel seen by each other, first. Then you work out the dollars.
A Final Thought
Returning to that childhood memory: when money loses its meaning, when the symbols no longer fit, chaos follows. In relationships, when money becomes disconnected from meaning, when what it stands for shifts without conversation, conflict rises, resentment builds, trust erodes.
But when you start from meaning, when you say: “Here’s what money stands for to me”, then you begin to build something together, with a shared definition. Not just of how you handle money, but of how you become a “we” in the face of it.
If you’re willing to talk, not just about budgets or bills, but about what money means to each of you and what you want together, you’re already doing the hard, vital work. Because you’re choosing connection over avoidance. Dialogue over silence. Meaning over default.
And that is the kind of conversation that matters.
